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"I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury."       Groucho

"After 30, a body has a mind of its own."    Bette Midler

"I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."       Yogi Berra

"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement."        Ronald Reagan

"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."   P J O'Rourke

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."      P J O'Rourke

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. "    George Burns 


"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."   George Burns

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."     Buddy Hackett

"It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves." 
Bob Newhart

"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you! "      Tommy Smothers